We get stuck because we lead self-obsessed lives. By being self-obsessed, I mean living life in your own head, seeing the world through your own glasses, and connecting everything to your own importance. When you live inwardly, you are closed, your thoughts are directed inward, and you listen to a never-ending internal dialogue of judgment and criticism. You compare yourself to others. You are following a script created by parents, society, advertising and old dreams that are no longer relevant to you. And when they don’t match reality, you form false beliefs: “I’m not good enough, beautiful enough, or strong enough. I could do it better. I do not deserve ________". When you focus on yourself, your world becomes very small.

Unless you were born into a perfect family and all your relationships were flawless, which is impossible, your head will play this broken record of judgment and criticism. Of course, the volume of the record varies depending on your story. However, it plays inside all of us. This is quicksand. It starts with pure emotion, anger, hopelessness, loneliness, despair, sadness and anxiety. We dive deeper until our pure emotion becomes emotion-driven thought—such a broken record. This is where the loop of negative self-talk comes from, that self-talk that gets stuck in our heads.

If you say something enough times, you will begin to believe it. Whenever the pseudo-identity, your false ego, leads your consciousness to thinking patterns that are opposed to the integral identity, such thinking can lead to problems. The tracks on our broken records become false, limiting beliefs. They begin to define who we are and limit our potential. For example, here are some false beliefs:

· The world will be better without me.

· I better start drinking again.

· Nobody loves Me.

· I'm useless.

· Either way, I don't deserve anything better than what I have.

· I can't. I can't. I can't.

Such false beliefs create fear and uncertainty. They keep us locked in our own heads, on a planet very far from joy and happiness.

The way to break this broken record is to get out of your consciousness (identity). Acknowledge your feelings, but not the judgmental thoughts behind them. Allow yourself to feel a true feeling, and then let it go, because it is temporary. It is not attached to you. Many people hold on to them because the feelings are strong and compelling, but as I said above, this negative emotion can quickly turn into a track on repeat, which can then become a false belief. Feelings do not determine your worth unless you allow them to. And how many people do this without even realizing it.

It's normal to feel lonely. Stamping yourself as “unworthy of love” is not normal. It's normal to feel discouraged, overwhelmed, frustrated and confused. However, believing that you are inadequate or cannot do something because at the moment you feel like you can't is not normal. It's normal to feel hurt because someone has decided they don't want to be with you. It is not okay to believe that you are inferior.

There is a difference between what we feel and who we are.

For many, this line is blurred. Living outside of your own identity allows you to draw these boundaries with a permanent marker, not chalk. Separating emotion from thought allows us to be in the present. The world is getting bigger. And bright. Instead of constantly changing gears, we stay in neutral. Our energy is not wasted on unnecessary work.

So how do we separate one from the other? How can we live in our truth and not in our head? How do we separate feelings from our worth and abilities?

First step- This admit your feelings. They don't go away when you ignore them. Like children, they will become even more noisy. Master your senses. They will begin to dissolve, pass through you like wind and water, only after you allow yourself to feel them. Otherwise, resentment is formed. In this situation, we use shame to cut ourselves off emotionally.

Once you have allowed yourself to feel your feelings, next step- This explore where these feelings come from. It is important to let yourself feel first so that you feel heard. If you rush to explore where your feelings are coming from without allowing yourself to feel them, there is a chance that your truth will be diminished. You don't allow yourself to be heard. First fully acknowledge and feel. And let it take as long as it takes. But still not so much that you begin to drown in them and allow them to control your life.

At a certain point, after you feel what you need to feel, you have to move on. And at that moment you put on your detective hat and begin to explore with good curiosity. This step– part of the learning phase, beginning of the growth process. The goal is to see if these feelings have a pattern and what triggers them. Again, you are not judging or arguing with your own feelings. You explore where they came from. If you follow this thread, you will discover valuable information. Once you know why you feel the way you do, you can begin to trace and connect the dots. You can begin to step back and understand yourself and your device better. You can focus on yourself instead of other people. The moment you understand, you can begin to change. Without this understanding, it’s easy to get lost in your own feelings and let them guide you. Because we overthink and hold onto negative feelings rather than positive ones, we will be driven by our negativity. In such moments, we can react very strongly and make decisions that we will later regret.

Unraveling why is where you find your grip. Our motivation comes from answering “why” questions rather than “what” questions. Why are you reacting? Why do you get angry when he says this or acts this way? Why does this hurt you so much? Why do you always go to this place? Why are you running? Why are you hiding? Why are you attracted to this type of person? Why are you putting so much pressure on yourself? Why do you do what you do? Why do you always look at it this way? Why do you use this particular thinking model? Once you develop a better understanding of your “why,” you can make healthier choices to respond to your feelings and stimuli instead of simply reacting to them. Remember, this is a process. It takes time. Be kind and patient with yourself.

Next step- This become aware of all the thoughts behind your feelings. What conclusions do you draw based on what you feel? I'm sure you've heard the statement "feelings are not facts." Many people believe that something is a fact because they feel it. Once you discover the “why,” you can realize that having a feeling doesn’t mean your conclusions are correct. Be aware of the messages you send yourself. Position yourself as an observer and notice them. What does this say about you, the way you think and behave? Now take all this information and apply it to your daily life. This - execution stage.

Growth is 50% discovery and 50% execution. Without execution, you will only have ideas. No change. Remember this. I will mention this many times.

How do your thoughts and conclusions show up in your life? What behavior is associated with these thoughts? Is this behavior consistent with who you want to be?

Working with limiting beliefs

PRACTICE: Stop focusing on yourself.

1. Write down 5 problematic thinking patterns that repeat in your life.

2. Act them out and write down how each one translates into beliefs and behaviors.

3. Then write down how each limiting belief and behavior affects your thought process and life. Give examples. Specific examples.

4. Finally, write down what new behavior and thoughts can replace the old ones.

You have just created a change map for yourself. All you have to do is follow this map and change will happen in your life.

When we replace limiting beliefs with promoting ones, and replace old ways of thinking and responding with new thoughts and behaviors, it is almost impossible not to grow.

John Kim, family therapist, published author, lecturer, life coach, co-founder of SHFT. Known as "The Angry Therapist," he has published and worked with Mindbodygreen, NPR, The Atlantic, and Air BnB, and is the author of The Angry Therapist: A No Bullshit Guide to Finding and Living Your Truth. guide to finding and living your truth)

Sometimes we just get caught up. On various aspects of life. Our decisions, regrets, self-esteem, worries about the future - we are so often stuck in our own heads that sometimes we feel there is no way out. We tell you how to stop splitting hairs and start moving on.

Why do we obsess?

When we talk about overthinking something, we are talking about several things. On the one hand, long thinking is when we find ourselves in a kind of loop, replaying the same event in our heads over and over again.

You analyze what happened, regret what you did or didn’t do, worry about the consequences, etc.

On the other hand, you can similarly consider decisions rather than actions. You analyze your decisions to the point of exhaustion, and one day you may reach the point where you cannot make any decisions at all.

In any case, we become wise when we become fixated on something and cannot think about anything else. This deprives you of strength, mood, energy, and the will to do things. And the ultimate goal is: somehow get out of this “thought loop” and move on.

1. Act now

If you are fixated on something - the best thing you can do is take action. This does not mean that you should suddenly jump up and run to do something, it just means that you need to take a step forward.

Let's say you are planning to move to another city. You can't do it immediately, so you sit there, going over the details of the move over and over again in your head.

And here it is important to start doing at least something. For example, make a list of where you want to go after you move. Research housing prices in that city, find out what jobs are available there, and so on. Create a financial plan and set goals. Make a schedule.

It doesn't matter what you do, you just have to step away from the thought you're stuck on. Creating all these plans and comparing them further can help you make your final decision.

Actually, moving is a simplified example, but it works great in all situations related to your future. In any similar situation, you can start drawing up an action plan - and feel better. Bob Miglani, one of the Huffington Post writers, summed up the idea this way:

Bob Miglani / www.indiaconferenceatharvard.com

“The only thing that helps rid the mind of fixation is turning your anxious thoughts about the future into some kind of effort and work. Take action, do something, and these actions can create a miracle.

Whenever I start to worry about the future, I just get up, go to my computer and start writing something or working on my book. And if suddenly it happened during the day, in the office, then I start writing down ideas on how to make my work more productive, or how to start working on something really interesting.

No matter what task you choose, it should be challenging so that focusing on the task gives your brain enough impetus to break the vicious circle of obsessiveness.”

It follows from this that getting busy is the main cure for overthinking. We tend to be wise because we are afraid of failure, but as soon as we get down to business, fears and doubts dissipate by themselves.

2. Shift your attention to something else

Sometimes, for some reason, you cannot begin to act, and then the only measure to get rid of the “obsession” is to distract the mind. Find yourself a hobby or some other activity that will completely occupy your mind. This will allow you to forget about your “thought loop” for a while, and eventually it will disappear.

Some people at such moments simply go for a walk. Writer Haruki Murakami in one of his books describes this feeling as “emptiness,” and he uses running as a cure for it:

“I'm just running. I'm running into the void. Or maybe I should put it another way: I run to find emptiness. But as you might expect, sometimes thoughts flash in this emptiness. A person's mind cannot be completely empty. Human emotions are not strong or consistent enough to withstand a vacuum. What I mean is that all kinds of thoughts and ideas that invade my emotions while I am running remain dependent on emptiness. They are just random thoughts without content, gathered around a void at the center.”

Of course, exercise is not the only way to distract yourself. For some, meditation is a great way to calm an overloaded brain. Completely ordinary things can help cope with anxiety, such as listening to music or any other activity that can distract the mind from anxious thoughts.

3. Stop talking about it

Most of us, when faced with a difficult decision and obsessing over it, ask others for advice, which is completely natural. But in practice this often means that we talk about our problem with so many people that in the end we just can’t help but become fixated. As mentioned earlier, too many “cooks in the kitchen” only leads to a worse decision-making process. Psychology today can explain what happens in our brain:

“The human mind hates uncertainty. Uncertainty implies volatility, randomness and danger. When we notice a lack of information, the brain raises a metaphorical red flag and says, “Pay attention!” This could be important...” When data is missing, we tend to overestimate its value. Our mind assumes that if we spend resources searching for this information, we will solve the problem.”

We all want to receive useful information from others, but at a certain point this information ceases to be useful. When we have a limited amount of information, we can look at it more productively. Psychologists call it "strategy to take the best":

“The “take the best” strategy means that you reason only as much as necessary. Then you stop and do something else. For example, if there are ten pieces of information you need to make an informed decision, but one of those pieces is obviously more important than the others, then that piece will be enough for you to make a choice. Too much detail complicates things and wastes time.”

4. Find out why you're obsessing.

Sometimes we obsess over something just because we can. We get caught in a cycle in which we recreate an event over and over again or try to analyze an idea from every possible angle. After many hours of thinking and sleepless nights, we eventually reach a dead end.

Psychologists say that although our brain is programmed for such “looping”, something can still be done about it.

Here is their definition of the problem:

“Whether it's anxiety about social interactions, about our self-esteem, our future, our families, or something else, the cycle it causes is always debilitating and rarely produces beneficial results. Most often, we simply spend time thinking intensely about events, about our actions, about the actions of other people, or about their thoughts. We repeatedly try to predict all potential future outcomes, even though most of these scenarios will never come to pass.

The biggest problem here, which we constantly remind people of, is that you are not your brain. We often take the fleeting thoughts, urges, emotional impulses and desires our brains create at face value, and assume from the start that they must all be true.”

To recap, here's a four-step plan for getting out of a rut:

• Decide with what exactly causes the “looping” (self-doubt, anxiety, etc.);
• Reconsider your experience and identify thinking errors;
• Switch attention to the part that matters most;
• Swipe re-evaluating your brain's messages based on new information.

By going through these four steps, you can better understand how often our brain has no idea what it is doing. By stepping back a little, you can figure out which idea is causing the loop, close the loop, and be able to move on.

If you've ever been stumped by a problem or discouraged by a difficulty, here are five great techniques that can help you break free of it quickly.

I have tested and tested them on hundreds of clients over the past 15 years, so I can confidently recommend: use them when you are faced with a problem or difficulty and you need to use all your creativity and courage to overcome it. uncharted territory

1. The magic word “Instead”

When you're stuck, it's easy to become fixated on the problem. It seems so big that it takes up all your thoughts, leaving very little room for maneuver. There is also a very common teaching that states that in order to solve a problem, it must be thoroughly studied - where it came from, what caused it, what it means, and so on.

I do not share the views of this teaching, because I have seen many examples where focusing on the problem only makes things worse. Surprisingly, it is much more effective to STOP thinking about the problem and START thinking about alternatives and possible solutions.

This is how the magic word “instead” comes into use.

I've used this word so often in training that I thought it would become familiar, but it still seems to be the most effective way to get clients to think about what they want instead of the problem they're facing.

So the next time you're faced with a huge, insurmountable problem, ask yourself:

• What do I want to receive instead of this?
• What do I want to do instead of this?
• What do I want to think about instead of this?
• How I want to feel instead of this?
• What do I want to say instead of this?
• Where do I want to go instead of this?

And when you receive accurate, specific answers, immediately begin to do, think, and feel. The result will amaze you.

2. What would you do if you had no intelligence?

Thinking is overrated. Of course, it is necessary, but I have noticed that if you constantly think about something, it will lead to obsessiveness.

You can think and think and think about a problem or situation until you think you know what you're thinking about, but if you think a little more, you won't be sure anymore.

When it comes to really important things, continuous thinking does not help. You'll never be able to come up with something truly original if you think about it all the time. Real achievement requires constant action, and constant action requires enthusiasm.

Many times when I see a client doubting, I advise him to turn off thinking and focus on the sensations within himself.

I'm looking for what Derek Sievers calls the "Damn it" response - the thing that tells you that you have to do this, and if you don't, you'll always regret it. But you will never receive this signal from the brain center - you must feel it in your gut.

So the next time you have to make a decision and you're unsure, follow these four points based on one of the Zen techniques I learned from John Eaton:

1. Stand in a relaxed position. Now imagine that you have no head. I'm serious. Your body ends at your shoulders. Where there used to be a head is now empty. Therefore, now no thoughts distract you. This will help you immediately take your mind off the sensations in your body.
2. Imagine that your opportunities are spread out around you, filling “magic circles” on the floor - one circle for each opportunity.
3. Enter the first circle by imagining the first possibility. It's like you've taken the first step towards making it happen. Don't overthink it. Pay attention to how your body feels. Heavy? Light? Tense? Relaxed? Full of energy?
4. If this gets the reaction "Damn it!" - this is your path, and no matter how terrible it may seem to your head. But if you suddenly get a queasy feeling in the pit of your stomach, you don't need to do this—no matter how practical it may seem.

3. What would your idol do?

We all have idols - famous artists, creative people, businessmen, athletes, researchers, fictional characters from novels or movies, friends, teachers or family members. Someone we respect. Who represents everything we admire.

And guess what? That someone is yourself.

You may transfer this onto someone else, but in reality, by admiring an idol, you are discovering your unrealized potential. In fact, you have strength, courage, imagination and other qualities that you admire, even if you have never used them.

Why else do you think their example resonates so strongly with you?

So the next time you're faced with a problem and you're wondering if you can handle it, ask yourself:

• What would my idol do with this?
• What would he/she say about this?
• What would he/she do?
• Why don't I try to do something?

4. Trust your fear

If thinking is overrated, fear is underrated.

Some types of fear—especially anxiety—are paralyzing, overwhelming, and unhelpful. But I'm not talking about those fears.

I'm talking about the fear you feel when you're about to follow your dream and make it a reality.

You know how it is: at first you are excited, excited about the thought that you have finally dared and about what you are about to do, see, feel, achieve and experience.

Then you feel your stomach tighten and your heart begin to pound, and you realize that you have stopped breathing.

By this time - if you're not careful - your Inner Saboteur will start whispering horror stories to you about everything that could go wrong, and, rattling off a long list of good reasons why you should reconsider or abandon your plans altogether, or at least , put them aside for a while so you can think things through carefully...

Of course, this voice of the Resistance uses fear as leverage to push you further away from your dreams. Don't let this happen. Fear causes discomfort, but this does not mean that it is evil. Fear protects you, tells you that you are entering unknown territory, and you must not lose control. This should cause a surge of adrenaline, shake you up, force you to act NOW, so that trouble does not happen later.

As I always tell my clients: the bigger the dream, the bigger the fear. This type of fear means that you are on the right track, trying to motivate yourself to find something amazing.

So trust your fear. Don’t resist, feel it, but not with your head, but with your body. (It would be nice not to have a head - see point No. 3 above).

Use fear as a cue to action - ask yourself:

• What do I need to DO to reduce my risk and achieve my goal?

Make a list. Go and do it right now.

Notice what happens when you take a purposeful action - fear recedes, giving way to confidence and enthusiasm.

5. Take risks

It's very easy to procrastinate if you're only answerable to yourself. If no one knows about your dream, it is very easy to convince yourself that it is just a dream.

But when you announce your goal to the world—or even just one person—suddenly it becomes real. Now everything is known to everyone, and you must keep your word.

When you speak your intention, you become responsible for your actions. You feel the need to talk about your successes, whether you succeeded or not. It seems to you that they will no longer respect you if you do not do what you promised.

No, you shouldn't rely on others to tell you what to do or encourage you. The initiative must come from you. But when it comes to completion and you need to do something that will help you achieve your dreams, public influence can be very effective. So why not make the most of it?

Here are some options:

• Tell a close friend about your goal, agree on what day you can meet to talk about your successes.
• Join a group that might appreciate your work.
• Take part in the competition, even if you (still) have nothing to enter.
• Organize a group of like-minded people of 3-4 people and agree on regular meetings where you share your plans and report to each other.
• Share your ideas with your blog readers and Twitter followers, and promise to let them know the results by a certain date. (I did this a few years ago and it worked.)

How do you manage to cope?

Which of these methods would you like to use?
How do you cope if you encounter a problem?
What advice can you give to people who are plagued by problems?

FinExecutive Russia website 2020-02-27

Ten simple ways to avoid obsessing over a problem

Below are ten simple techniques to help you avoid overthinking simple things.

At first glance, this may seem strange: the more you think, the better, right? But this approach is not always correct and can lead to serious difficulties. The more energy you devote to thinking, the more difficult it is to formulate a final decision, move from thoughts to actions, and overcome the stress that accompanies any problem.

If all this sounds familiar, here are ten simple ways to break the vicious cycle.

1. Forewarned is forearmed.

Before you overcome the habit of dwelling on problems, you need to learn to determine the beginning of this process by characteristic signs. If you feel the first signs of irritation, find yourself in doubt or under pressure from an uncertain external force, try to look at the situation from the outside. Look soberly at the current situation and your actions in it. By having an understanding of the big picture, you can influence it in a way that benefits you.

2. Don't frame consequences in a negative way.

In most cases, your plunge into a whirlpool of doubt and uncertainty is caused by only one emotion - fear. It paralyzes you at the very moment when you begin to frantically imagine all the negative consequences that await you if you make a mistake. Next time you find yourself on the edge of this “abyss,” stop. Stop and think about the positive consequences your actions will have. Visualize them, and henceforth return to this image when making your final decision.

3. Find a pleasant alternative

Sometimes it is useful to take your mind off the problem for a while and devote time to activities that are favorable to your mood and bring pleasure. Switch your activities to dancing, meditation, warming up, playing music, drawing or hobbies - anything that can distract you from thinking about the problem and help you change your mind in a positive way.

It is very easy to imagine many things to be much more significant and frightening than they really are. The next time you find yourself making a big deal out of a big deal, answer a simple question: How important will this problem be in five years? Or even in a month? This question will immediately put everything in its place and help you look at the situation in perspective, which will help you stop all unnecessary thoughts.

5. Don't strive for perfection

This point is very important in any situation. If you're waiting for the perfect conditions, stop now. Of course, a bit of perfectionism can be useful, but you will never be in perfect condition, and conditions will never work out perfectly for you. As soon as you start to think that something needs to be perfected, remember that such tactics are counterproductive and have never brought success to anyone.

Whatever your fear is based on: a bad previous experience, statistics or ordinary anxiety, always remember: just because something didn’t work out in the past, it doesn’t mean it will never work out. Remember, any failure is only an opportunity to start over, with new experience and knowledge.

7. Make time work for you

Create your own limit. Five minutes is your time to worry, think and analyze. As soon as the time is up, set a new timer - ten minutes to isolate and write down on a sheet of paper everything that haunts you. As soon as the time is up, feel free to throw away the piece of paper and move on to productive activities - - don’t spend a minute more in doubt.

8. Accept an uncertain future.

We are all limited only by the present, and no one can predict the future. If you spend your time worrying about the future, you are only wasting your precious time. Devoting your thoughts to a possible future is simply unproductive - it’s better to fill it with what makes your present brighter.

9. Accept yourself

The fear that forms the basis of most doubts is based on one thought - that you are not good enough; not smart enough, not capable enough, not tough enough. But do your best, and no matter how external circumstances turn out, you will know that you did the best you can. If not, try again and give it your all this time.

10. Rejoice

Your mind cannot be happy and sorry at the same time, so why not choose the most positive option. Every day, make a list of what you are happy with and what made you happy today. Take only the best from what surrounds you.

Everyone can get stuck in their own problems. But if you manage to stop going in circles and direct this energy to useful things, your life will only change for the better.

The brain is literally enmeshed in a web. Certain situations, images, ideas are played out in the head over and over again. This creates a bad mood, and the negativity returns over and over again.

When we become obsessed, we cannot think about other things and drown in a pool of hopelessness. Dark energy deprives us of strength and the will to do things. Is there a way to get out of this impasse and start moving forward? A few practical tips will help you break the vicious circle.

Describe the problem

Put everything that's bothering you on paper. Once your thoughts are written down, you will be surprised to find that you have found the answer or solution to the situation. Or at least came close to it. Tell your story in writing, and the paper will take away all the negative things that kept you from relaxing.

Change your thoughts

Blocking anxious thoughts often helps to get rid of obsessive thoughts. To do this, it is best to start any work immediately. It is important that it is interesting and challenging for you. Solving an interesting and challenging problem will help you overcome the vicious circle. It is impossible to be engaged in an exciting activity that absorbs you completely, and worry about something at the same time.

You can overcome obsessive thinking by diverting your attention. And these are not necessarily mental exercises; physical ones will help you just as effectively. In addition, meditation or music or dancing helps someone more. The main thing is to find the most effective way to distract attention.

Turn obsessing to your advantage

If our brain tends to constantly return to the same thing, maybe we should turn this to our advantage? Isn’t this the secret of successful and attractive people - that they are constantly “fixated” on the positive. If we know how to program ourselves to repeat negative things, then why not start replaying pleasant and calming situations in our heads? Remember the best moments of childhood, your first love, your favorite doll or your first goal scored.

Don't become a false prophet

Don't try to predict all possible future events. Still, you won’t be able to take into account absolutely everything. This world is too multifaceted. But you can easily get neurosis from such obsessive and meticulous thinking through potential outcomes. Analyzing the same thing thousands of times is unproductive. It is necessary to turn thoughts in a positive direction.

Stop constantly discussing problems

Many of us, faced with an obsession and not defeating it, begin to ask friends and loved ones for advice. However, it will not become easier for you if you constantly discuss the same things with people. Those around you will decide that in this way you are using them and putting your psychological problems on their shoulders. As a result, they will start to shun you.

Breathe deeper

Try breathing exercises. Take a few deep, long, calming breaths. Place your hand on your heart. Feel your body, feel your heart and tune in to it.

Time for new stories

Self-hypnosis is a great way to restructure your thinking. Look at one point, focus on it and tell yourself: “I don’t need this story anymore. It's time for a new one. I won't allow myself to keep falling into the same trap over and over again. I will create a new story, a better story." Open your soul to positive changes and redirect your energy in a different direction.

Fill your life with new experiences

There is no need to spend your life reliving past events that seem unfair, offensive or shameful. Being obsessed with finding a better way out of past situations will not benefit you or improve your mood.

You must be able to let go of the past. Otherwise, you will fill your mind with it and will not be able to fill it with something new and interesting. The pain, anger, resentment and hatred of the past are holding you captive, blocking your current opportunities. You just have to let go of negative things in order to move forward. After all, when we don’t fill our lives with new experiences and don’t learn anything new, we slowly die.